


Rituals and Lucid Nightmares

by Bleck



Category: Animorphs - Katherine A. Applegate
Genre: Coping, Gen, Past Child Abuse
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-07-09
Updated: 2017-07-09
Packaged: 2018-11-30 01:06:32
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,417
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11452800
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Bleck/pseuds/Bleck
Summary: Ax helps Tobias out.





	Rituals and Lucid Nightmares

“You filthy bird!” Taylor. The girl who tortured me. Taylor, the girl who haunted me still. I still have no idea how long it really was but it might as well have been years.

<You’re not alone in your suffering. You may die, Tobias, but never alone…> Elfangor. My father. Who was somehow able to talk to me as I lay dying, almost killed by Taylor, even though I saw him murdered.

“What?” I croaked out, my voice betraying me. It always did. I hated this dream.

“You heard me, shit for brains.” My uncle spat, drunk or close to it. “You’re lucky I hit you. Maybe it’ll eventually toughen you up.” He laughed. He laughed because he knew it wouldn’t. I was weak and pathetic, he was always saying that. Everyone was.

I couldn’t help but start to cry. I didn’t deserve this!

“Maybe if I get rid of your fucking cat, you’ll quit crying all the goddamn time. Every day you find an excuse to cry. Ooh, kids are being mean. Pushing you around. Do something about it instead of just fucking cry.” He was talking about Rick Stathis whose latest thing was shoving me up against the lockers. Except that day he had given me a bloody nose and a concussion. Rick was angry that day because one of his lackeys asked if he had a thing for me so he made sure to beat me up extra hard to prove “no one could like a freak like that”. A freak like me. It didn’t matter why they thought that, it seemed like everyone did. It had to be true.

“Well, it’s like an honor,” I said.

The stupid reception I never got to go to. But I didn’t hate him for not taking me, I was too crushed. It hurt so, so, bad not to get to go. To have someone, anyone, be happy with something I did. Just to have someone to smile at me because I did a good job.

I was so confused when he said no. That it wasn’t worth it because there wasn’t any money. Why’d that matter? It wasn’t about the money, it was about the drawing I did. It was the beach and raspberry bushes viewed from Professor Powers kitchen.

I wanted to cry. I was crying, but I couldn’t do that in front of me. At best, he’d just make fun of me. He wasn’t drunk enough to grab me by the hair yet but I didn’t want to make him mad just in case.

Just an idea I said to him. Like it wasn’t the most important thing in the world to me at the time.

After I saw the family across the street, the mom treat the little girl’s crumpled finger painting like it was the best thing she had ever seen, I bawled my eyes out. I cried and cried and cried because it hurt.

Dude made me pet him for a while and that helped. He even got me to giggle when he licked my face with his sandpaper tongue. I fell asleep curled up around him as he purred, not happy but not miserable either. Dude was the only good constant thing in my life.

Waking up reminded me that even he wasn’t constant. I was glad Rachel agreed to take him in though. Sometimes I went over when she was at school just to play with him.

<Are you alright, Tobias?> Ax asked, standing up. There had been a cold rain, almost snow, last night so I had hunkered down in his scoop with him.

<I’m fine.> I snapped, grumpy. Ax didn’t deserve me taking out my bad mood on him though. <Sorry, Ax-man. Bad dreams.>

<Ah.> We were all familiar with nightmares at this point.

<Have you done your morning rituals yet?> I blurted out before I could change my mind.

<Not yet.> He said. <I was wondering if you would like to do them with me. You haven’t been sleeping well.>

<It’s not a big deal.> I said immediately. Pity was useless. ‘Dangerous’ a part of me said. That to. Usually.

Ax looked like he was about to say something, which is remarkably difficult to pull off since Andalites don’t have mouths, but he dropped it. <As humans say, I am ready when you are.> That was definitely not what he was going to say before. It was probably for the best.

<I didn’t say yes.> I told him.

<Would you accompany me anyway?>

<I’d roll my eyes if I could.>

<I am aware.>

By the time we got to the stream, I had already decided to morph. It’s not like I didn’t want to do the morning ritual with Ax, I just hadn’t wanted to seem desperate for company.

<From the water that gave birth to us.> He said, briefly dipping his right hoof into the water.

<From the water that gave birth to us.>. I repeated before I dipped my right hoof into the water to. The water was cool and tasted good. Maybe. It was kind of hard to tell.

<From the grass that feeds us.> He said and crushed some grass with his hoof.

<From the grass that feeds us.> I followed suit. I couldn’t describe how it tasted.

<For the freedom that unites us.> He spread his arms out.

<For the freedom that unites us.> I said and did the same. The cool early morning air was refreshing.

<We rise to the stars.> He looked up at the rising sun with all four eyes, almost reverently.

<We rise to the stars.> I said. The sunrise was so beautiful I realized I had paused too long and he was waiting for me.

<Freedom is my only cause. Duty to the people, my only guide.>

<Freedom is my only cause. Duty to the people, my only guide.>

<Obedience to my prince, my only glory. The destruction of my enemies, my most solemn vow. I, Aximili-Esgarrouth-Isthill, Andalite cadet, offer my life.> He intoned and sharply raised his tail blade to his throat, close enough to touch but not to cut.

<Obedience to my prince, my only glory. The destruction of my enemies, my most solemn vow. I, Tobias…> I trailed off. I still wasn’t sure what to say. And I was ruining his morning ritual on top of it. <I, Tobias, animorph, offer my life.> I continued and, much more carefully, raised my tail blade to my throat.

<That was very good. Slow but speed comes with practice.> Ax said. I was glad Andalites don’t blush, I wasn’t used to praise. I almost missed that he was inviting me to do them more often.

I wouldn’t say I liked the rituals more than Ax did but Ax knew, even though I would never say it, that I liked them. All of them, not just the morning ritual. Even, maybe especially, the ones Ax made up. They were things he did between us that, honestly, made boring stuff cool and even a little exciting. More important than even if he just let me listen to music though he hated it, as important as that would be by itself. It might be my favorite. He stands between me and the multi-disk CD player and says: <Tobias, my shorm, son of my brother Elfangor-Sirinial-Shamtul. I, Aximili-Esgarrouth-Ishtil, request you invite peace into yourself through music.> Then he moves aside and let’s me put on whatever I want even though he hates all of it. I think it’s one of the kindest things anyone has ever done for me.

I generally played them off as just something to do, played it cool and all that. But it was exciting to say the least. I had a right to them. Not just because Ax was my shorm, it’d be like going to a religious thing because I was friends with Jake. Nice but not a solid connection. I had a connection to them because of Elfangor. My father. A cord connecting me to the good in the universe, a wellspring of strength I never knew I had until he visited me both at the construction site and during my torture. I remember, I cherish even, every word he said to me. I’d never forget them. Not ever.

<Hey, Ax. After we eat, wanna grab some cinnabons?> I asked after a couple minutes inside my head.

He grinned with his eyes, the way Andalites do. <I would like that very much.>

<Cool.>


End file.
